Sleep..
Streetlight hits
me from all four windows, while I give comfort and warmth to her. She keeps me
close and wears me like water. I swirl with every leg kick, every twist from
shoulder to shoulder. She is my gardener. I am the field of flowers she lays
down in. Hot or cold wind, flattened or swirled, I know that she owns me. (I
have no say for who comes and goes.) I can feel hot air swirling at opposite
corners of my garden. This warmth only adds to the power of my cheerful
flowers. It is my true sunlight. I hear the magic words spoken to work like
poppies, begging her to sleep. She puts her
head beneath my flowers and begins to till at my garden once again.
It’s
12:50! I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour. My mind can’t seem to stop racing
with fear. My stomach is having a
strange conversation with me due to the Aleve I took for my aching jaw or from
the all the water I drank it down with. The Ayurvedic sleep gels have not lead
me to sleep, but instead left a taste of orange on my tongue. My eyes are painfully
frustrated from exhaustion. As it sits by my bedside, there is still a hint of
my favorite soothing candle in the air. Atop my comforter, my laptop
illuminates a happy floral print. I have the sound of my heater in my right ear
and The Bachelor Party episode of
Angel playing in my right. I usually fall asleep by the line, “Cordellia, this
is my wife.” Not so tonight though. I throw the comforter entirely over my head
and shift my body again and again.
Mom gave me food a
while ago and said a word that means she wants to sleep. Mom always puts noise
and light by her head. I like sleeping with her most nights cause I love my
mama, but tonight she keeps waking me up. Her toes aren’t happy like mine. I
feel the floor shift and it makes my head and paws move. My eyes become ajar
and my ears hear too much commotion. I think I should move, but when I lift up
my head, mom’s claws are coming toward my head. Her “long toes” and claws feel
good and so I lay my head back down. Mom smells like something, but it isn’t my
food. I flop my spine against her foot. I stretch my front paws way out, but
she has moved her other toes too far away to reach them.
My gardener has
been under the sunlight too long. I feel her foot plow through and out one
corner of the field. Like a tidal wave she unearths her head. Her arms, now
also, weigh heavy on me. I start to flux and crumble like the tides. She
awakens the white beast for the twentieth time. My owner is soft, but this
small creature is softer and scarier. He blames me and is angry. I have not
comforted her and will be punished. My petals are swallowed and spit out. They
are stomped on until they are tucked against my gardener, who now wears these
flowers like chains on her legs. I take
my punishment and then the white beast’s attack is called off. I fear he may
stay and sleep in the field, but instead is sent away to watch from above in
his guard tower.
This isn’t
working. My hair is starting to feel hot and heavy. My body won’t rest. I feel
too hot. I feel every tingle in every toe shouting at me. My whole body wants to be able to just be and stay still, but it’s too hot to
stay this way. One leg comes up for air, but I still hear my head shouting,
“Where will you live? When will they tell you all that they aren’t saying? How
will they try to control you next?” Fuck this. I am awake and angry. I don’t
want to feel so angry right now. I want to sleep. Shit.. I WOKE UP Jarvis too
many times and he is pissed or waking from a nightmare or something. He starts
to straddle my leg and naw and bite and tuck the fabric tight around each leg.
I suck. I have failed him and now I have to try and salvage this sleeping
arrangement. I throw down my comforter away from my fevered face and arms. I
attempt to reset the night by lifting up his perfect furry body, but he won’t
have it. Off he takes across the bed and (one, two jumps!..) into his cat tower
to roost alone.
My gardener reshapes
new hills and valleys, folding her shadow across many of the flowers. A cool
breeze begins. Her shadow removed, she casts a new spell. I hear the rain. It
falls across the air. It falls on all of
the petals. It falls on her. It falls over the white beat up high. She puts her
crown over her eyes and lays down to find sleep.
I have to sleep. I
lurch my body across the bed and change my heater to a cool breeze. I leave my
Netflix on, but seek out a bookmarked page of rain and thunder. One storm to
silence the other in my racing mind and heavy heart. I put on my pink bear
sleep mask and try to melt away into my pillow.
What was that? I
hear more noise and my tail gives a twitch to see what has happened and returns
itself to the circle. I press my spine against the walls of my tower and my
head against some pink feathers and go back to sleep.
I think of a short
time ago that I was kept away from light before my gardener took me out again.
I know I can give her comfort and wonder why she does not let me do this
always. I know I can get dirty, but what are flowers without soil? If this does
not favor her, she can always send a flood and I am bright once more. I hope
that she will always make me bright once more.
I drift and pull
my mind away from the walls of time: Away from the future that can make me feel
helpless, away from a past of aggression and abandonment and away from the hate
and toward a love of self. I must accept my body having to stop fighting to
sleep. I must accept that will find a safe place for us.
Prrrrrrzzz….prrrrrzzz….
I am happy. I see my mom. We are on the floor and her hand feels nice on my
belly. She is smiling. I see boxes on the floor. I’m scared and mom starts to
kiss my head. I don’t want to go, but she carries me up high and holds me
tight. The boxes are getting closer. I start to struggle and claw. Mom puts me
down atop the boxes and I take off running. I run and run and start to see more
things I know. I see my tower and I run back to find my mama. The boxes are
gone and she has brought me food. I don’t have to leave. I don’t have to go
away. I am home.
--Narrated by my (flower print) comforter, myself and my cat as we try to sleep with the warmth of a heater.--
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