Dream , Dream, Dream..

         I have always created these "scenes", as I call them, in my head. They play out all the time, every day. I realized today that the term "daydream" really applies. I also realized that when I think about the meaning of that word I picture a doe-eyed woman, sighing heavily over the one she loves looking longingly at another woman. Or it meaning some kind of erotic fantasy. When I say daydream it could mean fantasy, but more than that, it usually means me running every day possibilities through my head. I am constantly solving the invisible ins and outs that could be in my life today, tomorrow, whenever. I could picture myself being fabulous, walking down the street on my way to the most purposeful day of my life, I could meet interesting people, win arguments with people who are in my life already with a dazzling speech I write and perfect (a fav., especially when thinking about pitfalls with assholes), even have a celebrity stumble upon something I do and appreciate my efforts. And I, of course, also think of certain people in scenes that make it unbearable not to smile up to my ears. I see myself not only in the best light, but as my best in every light.

        I play out these "daydreams" every day. The possible adventures I take are wonderful, beautiful, victorious, painful, shocking, challenging and fear embracing. I do this so often for many reasons, I suppose. I have a creative mind, a racing mind and when I engage other people I revel in the possibilities of conversation. Not speaking necessarily to a lasting friendship or romance that can accompany it, but of what meaning lies in another persons words and where we can take that conversation together. This stems from a love of being social, improv acting and other such arts for many years. (I have wit..) I feel that I have spent much of my time in the past decade in transition to my next bag o' transitions. I have sometimes looked at life like it's the wheel of fortune- sometimes being on the bottom rung and needing to drag along the gravel before I rotate up to the top. And maybe being in Michigan didn't help with the unfairness in timing. I probably kept getting stuck in a pothole every time I hit the gravel on the bottom of  the wheel. The point being that transitions usually meant my life filled to the brim with to-do's or just the opposite. Either way, it's been filled with some emptiness. More than I could call "soothing alone time".

       When I was a child, I had seizures. My childhood is still mostly erased from my mind. Every now and again glimpses (overwhelmed mostly by feelings) bubble up to the surface. But the main source of recalling, say, years of ballet is in photos. I have a photographic memory in the sense that I recall actual photographs taken of my life in place of memories. Much was lost to epilepsy and powerful drugs to treat the condition, but that's what I know. That's what I live, the experience of lost experiences. If I ever daydreamed about something that mapped an experience I had when I was very young (and so cute- trust me :) I wouldn't really know it. Nonetheless, it is possible. I wonder about if I may not understand or be able to relate on some "commonly known" level to kids. I also think about the idea of not learning from your past and being doomed to repeat it (insert booming "bwa-ha-ha!" here). Yet there has to be a difference between not learning and not remembering..   And in my daydreams, there are so many similar themes that I will never truly learn from. I will never truly learn "love" or "loss" for example. An ever changing life prevents me from this. I may not recall much of what I daydreamed living as a young body, but I have lived and remembered many times living as a body that is in constant change.

      Over time my daydream specifics change. They change with my wants and needs. I have been feeling more musical lately and if I were to slow dance with a handsome stranger in my mind at some point today, I wouldn't be surprised. I think I daydream so much, in part, because I feel a loneliness or lacking so often. I am not saying that I walk around feeling sorry for myself or that I don't feel hopeful. I have wants and desires for future goals and I love "love"- even after a truly trying past year chasing after it, I find myself slipping into song and dancing to happy songs about it. But these daydreams do give me a satisfaction that is similar to the real thing- whether I feel torn from the world or supremely tethered to it. These daydreams (or scenes) have been a part of my daily life for so long, I guess one could even call them a vice used to cope with life. Though, I think that would trivialize the positive need that they help to embrace. I don't see this as my daily "gallon of ice cream" treat, but perhaps more akin to someone who looks straight into a mirror and does a psych up speech or dance or flex. I am looking at myself. I am doing so through my (mind's ) eyes and being completely ok with myself and whatever I am going through in those moments. And that lets me experience (be it in a different way) love, fear, excitement, disappointment, whatever it may be. The point being, it lets me and that is a beautiful thing.