I'm a 5' 7" Cock.. well, my zodiac sign is. I picked up a really neat snow globe just over a year ago. It has a rooster on a patch of green grass, with gold floaty flecks and gold floaty coins. It also has, what I am guessing is, a place to stick a pen. It's not used to assist in my jotting of notes, but to help deliver my "wants" to me. I also make wishes on stars and call out my desires to the Universe. The latter is the most fast acting. I think that it has to do with the impassioned, high volume level that I do it in. These are just ways that I can check in and reinforce what I want to come hither. They're like bursts of confidence. (Which are always good to have.) I ask for love and strength for myself and others. Usually being very specific, but not always. It's not like prayer or being passive-aggressive or lazy. If it's an action I can take, I'll do it.
It's just a tool. I have many. Over the years, I have built up a plethora of ways to keep me smiling, loving, pushing on and coping. Foods, books, supplements, exercises, hobbies, bright colored clothes wearing, online viewing, cat petting and weird animal trinket collecting- to name a few. It takes a village of ideas to keep myself together, especially in stressful times. They're all good things (I feel) if I keep checked in with my life. Last year, I had lost a lot of confidence in my instincts. Unfortunately, it wasn't until after being out of two bad relationships that I realized something huge. My confidence in my life choices was not bad. I had just let the grand disappointments that left me bewildered, displaced and shaken cloud me. Based on what I knew when deciding to enter into a relationship, I felt love and promise. The endings were racked with deceit and further and further struggle. But I can't look at that as the old "fool me once...." line of reason. I don't feel foolish for feeling love and I damn sure don't feel responsible for someone else's life choices.
My instincts aren't a guarantee for success, but they can be a promise to open a door to what I feel I'd like to follow. It's hard when past relationships creep in as "good" or "bad" judgement calls because they seem to come down to a final pass or fail grading. Nothing should be looked at like that. Most things aren't and everything we do involves relationships with others. But if sex is involved, like broken bones, judgement skyrockets into the black or white for too many. Instincts tell us if we are open to an experience or not. Will I sign up for that class?. Adopt that cat?. Walk through the park?. Almost suffocate myself with help from that attractive man's mouth? And I referenced "a door" because once you open up to one, you are in the new floor plan of action.The room is yours: you are the floral window dressing, vintage studded chair, buzzing sounds system, painting of the serene valley and crystal chandelier. In other words, you are your experience. To shade your instincts about any experience (overall) as bad is to cast that same harsh judgement on yourself.
"Bad experiences" are really just when we feel as though be have lost a battle with those around us. Lost to their instincts or choices of what they want to be open to. Most of the time we can share in a similar experience with different people (many times past such encounters) throughout our lifetime. I know that I am still open to and directed instinctively towards many things today. For one, blogging! Also, continuing to pursue my career choice, volunteering with animals, crocheting and beginning my new chapter with trapeze. And, yes, the next romantic path my feet will follow....
.. There is no denying the opportunities that come a knocking every day. As a woman, it's hard to miss this fact. It's blaring at us.While we don't chose every man we cross paths with, we get daily reminders of the possible experiences that abound. And with the weather where I live starting to heat up, so do all the men folk rev up. Coming out of a good or bad relationship, the nature of a flirtation is amusing to ego stroking. And women see it all: the gazes, introductions and complements- whether smooth, subtle, obnoxious or feebly made. For example, yesterday I ran some errands. My top two "flirts' were: The guy staring, grinning ear to ear and literally making a circular path around me with a baby stroller. Upon realizing the baby was throwing off his game, he loudly announced to the silent child, "Do you want your Dad? Well, your Dad's not here." And, second, the helpful guy who pumped gas near me. After chiming into a conversation with some friendly advice, I notice him sadly waving as I left with a pen and paper in hand.
Beyond the flirt, I haven't a clue what's in store for my next man-venture. I'm could launch into what I want and what I want to avoid in a real relationship, but that's best said to an actual person. I will speak about "the chase" though. I always seem to be the initiator or aggressor that takes assertive action and approaches the other person I actually want to converse with and get to know. Many elements about myself aide in this making perfect sense. I do worry through, that I may be a bit jaded by past experiences. In the way that I may assume that the other person is likely incapable of making initial contact. That they are lazier and don't try as much. (Yes, I am sure I am making things sound charming..) But it is a concern, as I worry that I may generalize this idea and act accordingly. In part, I don't always love the wait and see attitude to meet someone. It's a tough place sometimes when the thought of taking charge completely or thinking, "hurry the hell up! I'm waiting." both sound exhausting.
I feel like I am in a place where I am done asking, "can I catch a break?" and more just seeking out and getting more of them. And so should it be with men.. I should get a proper date. "Wined and dined." Where he consumes more food than wine, if that is the case literally. Asks me out, can make plans and takes me out. Uses his voice and not text messaging to converse. Shows up sober, not a few drinks in or high. Opens doors, pulls chairs and walks on the side of traffic. (Yes, I like a man that likes me enough face dodging a car.) Someone who says my name and not "girl" and likes to have a conversation. Specifically, not a boring one. If the first words you drop are "what do you do?"- I'm officially bored. There are a million things to discuss. For example, whatever the hell is occurring on said date. .I think I am gonna take these thoughts and go see my rooster now. He and I have some things to discuss..
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