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Sunday, September 15, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Mirror, Mirror..
Darkness scares us..We yearn for the comfort of light, as it allows shape and form. Allowing
us to recognize, to define what is before us. But what is it that
scares us really? Not the darkness itself, but the truth we know that
lies within.
It is our job to know ourselves, develop self awareness and strive to increase our E.Q. If we do not feel the need to look inward, we will only project out- judging ourselves at a distance and within others. There is a big difference between expressing your feelings by stating "I feel that..vs. I think that you.. " What we yearn for, what we hate, things that define our core can be lost to our awareness when we simply glance and then dismiss. It's the "mirror, mirror effect". Who is the greatest of them all, we ask and not- Who lacks conviction these days? or Who is now highly inpatient? We may walk around like geniuses, confidently boasting- "I know who I am!" (and possibly adding "and no thanks to you!") But when is the last time you actually checked in with yourself?
It's a great thing to do and it will almost always leave you feeling surprised. Make a list of your best and worst qualities and ask yourself- "Is that me now?" It can be the hardest when looking at those things that you take pride in. Sometimes we are wearing the crown or holding a trophy that's been neglected and covered in dust. I remember the first time I did this many years ago and I realized that the stunning patient award was no longer part of my reign. But that is part of everyone's life- change. What we want changes and so does our good and bad qualities.Yes, you heard me- we get new ones! This really is quite logical as we live with a body that is always changing and growing year after year. Still, it is easy to grip till our hands blister to try and keep sunken into our past. It is not productive though and limits all kinds of forward momentum. It keeps us in battle against ourselves when we keep hitting walls that "should be easy" because of our out-of-date "best quality list". And it keeps us from progressing and learning when we see ourselves constantly overcoming out-of-date worst qualities that we demolished years ago.
Most times we stride through a day wearing our known pros and cons list pinned to our growned-up selves and navigate accordingly. And what we tell ourselves one day can become a routine and become (sometimes) instructions to live our lives. In the short term this could effect the jobs we take. For example, I told myself that I loved structure and routine at a job. When actually my strong work ethic was being trumped by my o.c.d. and I really like variety and change in more recent years. I am better when I have variation in my work. I grow more and develop more of a creative and skillful mind.
Long term, pinning this list to our chests can do a lot of damage if we base our strengths and weaknesses around a time when we were hurt. "I am awesome at never doing certain things and therefore I will never get hurt!" or "I am only weak if I allow myself to do a few certain things because then I will get hurt." It is possible to live decades or even a lifetime avoiding lots of life. And we are offered countless opportunities to heal when we have been hurt, left, abused, dismissed or done one or more of those things to another. People in our lives will offer support to heal, but we know when those times are at their ripest. We feel it. Something stirs or kicks you on your ass and that is your brain and body telling you to act. To do something. Most importantly, to do something different! (As Gwen says, "what are you waiting for?") And everyone gets these feelings and chances in their lives. Even one of the more "I wanna soar high!" people I have met in my life, I've seen shut down in 2 seconds flat by simply ejecting a "I wouldn't like that" at the faint possibility of beyond what they know at that exact moment.
So, we can try to steer our course by claiming control over it all. Feeling that the waters of life only present themselves when we alone are present, but life is a tidal wave and our brain controls a bathtub worth. It may be comforting to feel in control of the path we illuminate, but it is all glued together by the edges far off in the darkness. Ones we won't control and (thankfully) don't have to. The only discovery we can truly lay claim to is oneself. We need to nourish our bodies and minds by being as present and aware of oneself as possible. Acknowledging our current good and bad qualities that reside in us today. Using them to help us grow and better ourselves and allowing us to stop hurting and fighting ourselves and others.
It is our job to know ourselves, develop self awareness and strive to increase our E.Q. If we do not feel the need to look inward, we will only project out- judging ourselves at a distance and within others. There is a big difference between expressing your feelings by stating "I feel that..vs. I think that you.. " What we yearn for, what we hate, things that define our core can be lost to our awareness when we simply glance and then dismiss. It's the "mirror, mirror effect". Who is the greatest of them all, we ask and not- Who lacks conviction these days? or Who is now highly inpatient? We may walk around like geniuses, confidently boasting- "I know who I am!" (and possibly adding "and no thanks to you!") But when is the last time you actually checked in with yourself?
It's a great thing to do and it will almost always leave you feeling surprised. Make a list of your best and worst qualities and ask yourself- "Is that me now?" It can be the hardest when looking at those things that you take pride in. Sometimes we are wearing the crown or holding a trophy that's been neglected and covered in dust. I remember the first time I did this many years ago and I realized that the stunning patient award was no longer part of my reign. But that is part of everyone's life- change. What we want changes and so does our good and bad qualities.Yes, you heard me- we get new ones! This really is quite logical as we live with a body that is always changing and growing year after year. Still, it is easy to grip till our hands blister to try and keep sunken into our past. It is not productive though and limits all kinds of forward momentum. It keeps us in battle against ourselves when we keep hitting walls that "should be easy" because of our out-of-date "best quality list". And it keeps us from progressing and learning when we see ourselves constantly overcoming out-of-date worst qualities that we demolished years ago.
Most times we stride through a day wearing our known pros and cons list pinned to our growned-up selves and navigate accordingly. And what we tell ourselves one day can become a routine and become (sometimes) instructions to live our lives. In the short term this could effect the jobs we take. For example, I told myself that I loved structure and routine at a job. When actually my strong work ethic was being trumped by my o.c.d. and I really like variety and change in more recent years. I am better when I have variation in my work. I grow more and develop more of a creative and skillful mind.
Long term, pinning this list to our chests can do a lot of damage if we base our strengths and weaknesses around a time when we were hurt. "I am awesome at never doing certain things and therefore I will never get hurt!" or "I am only weak if I allow myself to do a few certain things because then I will get hurt." It is possible to live decades or even a lifetime avoiding lots of life. And we are offered countless opportunities to heal when we have been hurt, left, abused, dismissed or done one or more of those things to another. People in our lives will offer support to heal, but we know when those times are at their ripest. We feel it. Something stirs or kicks you on your ass and that is your brain and body telling you to act. To do something. Most importantly, to do something different! (As Gwen says, "what are you waiting for?") And everyone gets these feelings and chances in their lives. Even one of the more "I wanna soar high!" people I have met in my life, I've seen shut down in 2 seconds flat by simply ejecting a "I wouldn't like that" at the faint possibility of beyond what they know at that exact moment.
So, we can try to steer our course by claiming control over it all. Feeling that the waters of life only present themselves when we alone are present, but life is a tidal wave and our brain controls a bathtub worth. It may be comforting to feel in control of the path we illuminate, but it is all glued together by the edges far off in the darkness. Ones we won't control and (thankfully) don't have to. The only discovery we can truly lay claim to is oneself. We need to nourish our bodies and minds by being as present and aware of oneself as possible. Acknowledging our current good and bad qualities that reside in us today. Using them to help us grow and better ourselves and allowing us to stop hurting and fighting ourselves and others.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Poem/Feelings Expression/Head Words/Ect.
What fresh hell is this?
Stop telling me I am unwanted, I heard
you the first time
I will drown, not be subdued by
your addiction
You do not beg or borrow, but steal
and hate
Denying your life makes me trust in
mine no less
I am not broken, stop looking at me
hobbled
I will be subdued, not fed when you
starve
You only observe my silence as a
place for your mouth
I do not belong to you and you do
not get to place me where you believe I do
I am not here to fertilize your
landfill or support its smell
I am not a magical endless nodding
doll
I am not empty, you are talking to
my shadow
I am not motionless, you have left
me
(Consequences come from tearing at
my endurance and will
..Things are ripped apart and fall
out)
I am not lost and bleeding out, I
am tattooing my senses with fresh instincts
I am not lost and found to you, I
am not lost and found by anyone.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
TRUSTING THE ROOSTER
I'm a 5' 7" Cock.. well, my zodiac sign is. I picked up a really neat snow globe just over a year ago. It has a rooster on a patch of green grass, with gold floaty flecks and gold floaty coins. It also has, what I am guessing is, a place to stick a pen. It's not used to assist in my jotting of notes, but to help deliver my "wants" to me. I also make wishes on stars and call out my desires to the Universe. The latter is the most fast acting. I think that it has to do with the impassioned, high volume level that I do it in. These are just ways that I can check in and reinforce what I want to come hither. They're like bursts of confidence. (Which are always good to have.) I ask for love and strength for myself and others. Usually being very specific, but not always. It's not like prayer or being passive-aggressive or lazy. If it's an action I can take, I'll do it.
It's just a tool. I have many. Over the years, I have built up a plethora of ways to keep me smiling, loving, pushing on and coping. Foods, books, supplements, exercises, hobbies, bright colored clothes wearing, online viewing, cat petting and weird animal trinket collecting- to name a few. It takes a village of ideas to keep myself together, especially in stressful times. They're all good things (I feel) if I keep checked in with my life. Last year, I had lost a lot of confidence in my instincts. Unfortunately, it wasn't until after being out of two bad relationships that I realized something huge. My confidence in my life choices was not bad. I had just let the grand disappointments that left me bewildered, displaced and shaken cloud me. Based on what I knew when deciding to enter into a relationship, I felt love and promise. The endings were racked with deceit and further and further struggle. But I can't look at that as the old "fool me once...." line of reason. I don't feel foolish for feeling love and I damn sure don't feel responsible for someone else's life choices.
My instincts aren't a guarantee for success, but they can be a promise to open a door to what I feel I'd like to follow. It's hard when past relationships creep in as "good" or "bad" judgement calls because they seem to come down to a final pass or fail grading. Nothing should be looked at like that. Most things aren't and everything we do involves relationships with others. But if sex is involved, like broken bones, judgement skyrockets into the black or white for too many. Instincts tell us if we are open to an experience or not. Will I sign up for that class?. Adopt that cat?. Walk through the park?. Almost suffocate myself with help from that attractive man's mouth? And I referenced "a door" because once you open up to one, you are in the new floor plan of action.The room is yours: you are the floral window dressing, vintage studded chair, buzzing sounds system, painting of the serene valley and crystal chandelier. In other words, you are your experience. To shade your instincts about any experience (overall) as bad is to cast that same harsh judgement on yourself.
"Bad experiences" are really just when we feel as though be have lost a battle with those around us. Lost to their instincts or choices of what they want to be open to. Most of the time we can share in a similar experience with different people (many times past such encounters) throughout our lifetime. I know that I am still open to and directed instinctively towards many things today. For one, blogging! Also, continuing to pursue my career choice, volunteering with animals, crocheting and beginning my new chapter with trapeze. And, yes, the next romantic path my feet will follow....
.. There is no denying the opportunities that come a knocking every day. As a woman, it's hard to miss this fact. It's blaring at us.While we don't chose every man we cross paths with, we get daily reminders of the possible experiences that abound. And with the weather where I live starting to heat up, so do all the men folk rev up. Coming out of a good or bad relationship, the nature of a flirtation is amusing to ego stroking. And women see it all: the gazes, introductions and complements- whether smooth, subtle, obnoxious or feebly made. For example, yesterday I ran some errands. My top two "flirts' were: The guy staring, grinning ear to ear and literally making a circular path around me with a baby stroller. Upon realizing the baby was throwing off his game, he loudly announced to the silent child, "Do you want your Dad? Well, your Dad's not here." And, second, the helpful guy who pumped gas near me. After chiming into a conversation with some friendly advice, I notice him sadly waving as I left with a pen and paper in hand.
Beyond the flirt, I haven't a clue what's in store for my next man-venture. I'm could launch into what I want and what I want to avoid in a real relationship, but that's best said to an actual person. I will speak about "the chase" though. I always seem to be the initiator or aggressor that takes assertive action and approaches the other person I actually want to converse with and get to know. Many elements about myself aide in this making perfect sense. I do worry through, that I may be a bit jaded by past experiences. In the way that I may assume that the other person is likely incapable of making initial contact. That they are lazier and don't try as much. (Yes, I am sure I am making things sound charming..) But it is a concern, as I worry that I may generalize this idea and act accordingly. In part, I don't always love the wait and see attitude to meet someone. It's a tough place sometimes when the thought of taking charge completely or thinking, "hurry the hell up! I'm waiting." both sound exhausting.
I feel like I am in a place where I am done asking, "can I catch a break?" and more just seeking out and getting more of them. And so should it be with men.. I should get a proper date. "Wined and dined." Where he consumes more food than wine, if that is the case literally. Asks me out, can make plans and takes me out. Uses his voice and not text messaging to converse. Shows up sober, not a few drinks in or high. Opens doors, pulls chairs and walks on the side of traffic. (Yes, I like a man that likes me enough face dodging a car.) Someone who says my name and not "girl" and likes to have a conversation. Specifically, not a boring one. If the first words you drop are "what do you do?"- I'm officially bored. There are a million things to discuss. For example, whatever the hell is occurring on said date. .I think I am gonna take these thoughts and go see my rooster now. He and I have some things to discuss..
It's just a tool. I have many. Over the years, I have built up a plethora of ways to keep me smiling, loving, pushing on and coping. Foods, books, supplements, exercises, hobbies, bright colored clothes wearing, online viewing, cat petting and weird animal trinket collecting- to name a few. It takes a village of ideas to keep myself together, especially in stressful times. They're all good things (I feel) if I keep checked in with my life. Last year, I had lost a lot of confidence in my instincts. Unfortunately, it wasn't until after being out of two bad relationships that I realized something huge. My confidence in my life choices was not bad. I had just let the grand disappointments that left me bewildered, displaced and shaken cloud me. Based on what I knew when deciding to enter into a relationship, I felt love and promise. The endings were racked with deceit and further and further struggle. But I can't look at that as the old "fool me once...." line of reason. I don't feel foolish for feeling love and I damn sure don't feel responsible for someone else's life choices.
My instincts aren't a guarantee for success, but they can be a promise to open a door to what I feel I'd like to follow. It's hard when past relationships creep in as "good" or "bad" judgement calls because they seem to come down to a final pass or fail grading. Nothing should be looked at like that. Most things aren't and everything we do involves relationships with others. But if sex is involved, like broken bones, judgement skyrockets into the black or white for too many. Instincts tell us if we are open to an experience or not. Will I sign up for that class?. Adopt that cat?. Walk through the park?. Almost suffocate myself with help from that attractive man's mouth? And I referenced "a door" because once you open up to one, you are in the new floor plan of action.The room is yours: you are the floral window dressing, vintage studded chair, buzzing sounds system, painting of the serene valley and crystal chandelier. In other words, you are your experience. To shade your instincts about any experience (overall) as bad is to cast that same harsh judgement on yourself.
"Bad experiences" are really just when we feel as though be have lost a battle with those around us. Lost to their instincts or choices of what they want to be open to. Most of the time we can share in a similar experience with different people (many times past such encounters) throughout our lifetime. I know that I am still open to and directed instinctively towards many things today. For one, blogging! Also, continuing to pursue my career choice, volunteering with animals, crocheting and beginning my new chapter with trapeze. And, yes, the next romantic path my feet will follow....
.. There is no denying the opportunities that come a knocking every day. As a woman, it's hard to miss this fact. It's blaring at us.While we don't chose every man we cross paths with, we get daily reminders of the possible experiences that abound. And with the weather where I live starting to heat up, so do all the men folk rev up. Coming out of a good or bad relationship, the nature of a flirtation is amusing to ego stroking. And women see it all: the gazes, introductions and complements- whether smooth, subtle, obnoxious or feebly made. For example, yesterday I ran some errands. My top two "flirts' were: The guy staring, grinning ear to ear and literally making a circular path around me with a baby stroller. Upon realizing the baby was throwing off his game, he loudly announced to the silent child, "Do you want your Dad? Well, your Dad's not here." And, second, the helpful guy who pumped gas near me. After chiming into a conversation with some friendly advice, I notice him sadly waving as I left with a pen and paper in hand.
Beyond the flirt, I haven't a clue what's in store for my next man-venture. I'm could launch into what I want and what I want to avoid in a real relationship, but that's best said to an actual person. I will speak about "the chase" though. I always seem to be the initiator or aggressor that takes assertive action and approaches the other person I actually want to converse with and get to know. Many elements about myself aide in this making perfect sense. I do worry through, that I may be a bit jaded by past experiences. In the way that I may assume that the other person is likely incapable of making initial contact. That they are lazier and don't try as much. (Yes, I am sure I am making things sound charming..) But it is a concern, as I worry that I may generalize this idea and act accordingly. In part, I don't always love the wait and see attitude to meet someone. It's a tough place sometimes when the thought of taking charge completely or thinking, "hurry the hell up! I'm waiting." both sound exhausting.
I feel like I am in a place where I am done asking, "can I catch a break?" and more just seeking out and getting more of them. And so should it be with men.. I should get a proper date. "Wined and dined." Where he consumes more food than wine, if that is the case literally. Asks me out, can make plans and takes me out. Uses his voice and not text messaging to converse. Shows up sober, not a few drinks in or high. Opens doors, pulls chairs and walks on the side of traffic. (Yes, I like a man that likes me enough face dodging a car.) Someone who says my name and not "girl" and likes to have a conversation. Specifically, not a boring one. If the first words you drop are "what do you do?"- I'm officially bored. There are a million things to discuss. For example, whatever the hell is occurring on said date. .I think I am gonna take these thoughts and go see my rooster now. He and I have some things to discuss..
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Dream , Dream, Dream..
I have always created these "scenes", as I call them, in my head. They play out all the time, every day. I realized today that the term "daydream" really applies. I also realized that when I think about the meaning of that word I picture a doe-eyed woman, sighing heavily over the one she loves looking longingly at another woman. Or it meaning some kind of erotic fantasy. When I say daydream it could mean fantasy, but more than that, it usually means me running every day possibilities through my head. I am constantly solving the invisible ins and outs that could be in my life today, tomorrow, whenever. I could picture myself being fabulous, walking down the street on my way to the most purposeful day of my life, I could meet interesting people, win arguments with people who are in my life already with a dazzling speech I write and perfect (a fav., especially when thinking about pitfalls with assholes), even have a celebrity stumble upon something I do and appreciate my efforts. And I, of course, also think of certain people in scenes that make it unbearable not to smile up to my ears. I see myself not only in the best light, but as my best in every light.
I play out these "daydreams" every day. The possible adventures I take are wonderful, beautiful, victorious, painful, shocking, challenging and fear embracing. I do this so often for many reasons, I suppose. I have a creative mind, a racing mind and when I engage other people I revel in the possibilities of conversation. Not speaking necessarily to a lasting friendship or romance that can accompany it, but of what meaning lies in another persons words and where we can take that conversation together. This stems from a love of being social, improv acting and other such arts for many years. (I have wit..) I feel that I have spent much of my time in the past decade in transition to my next bag o' transitions. I have sometimes looked at life like it's the wheel of fortune- sometimes being on the bottom rung and needing to drag along the gravel before I rotate up to the top. And maybe being in Michigan didn't help with the unfairness in timing. I probably kept getting stuck in a pothole every time I hit the gravel on the bottom of the wheel. The point being that transitions usually meant my life filled to the brim with to-do's or just the opposite. Either way, it's been filled with some emptiness. More than I could call "soothing alone time".
When I was a child, I had seizures. My childhood is still mostly erased from my mind. Every now and again glimpses (overwhelmed mostly by feelings) bubble up to the surface. But the main source of recalling, say, years of ballet is in photos. I have a photographic memory in the sense that I recall actual photographs taken of my life in place of memories. Much was lost to epilepsy and powerful drugs to treat the condition, but that's what I know. That's what I live, the experience of lost experiences. If I ever daydreamed about something that mapped an experience I had when I was very young (and so cute- trust me :) I wouldn't really know it. Nonetheless, it is possible. I wonder about if I may not understand or be able to relate on some "commonly known" level to kids. I also think about the idea of not learning from your past and being doomed to repeat it (insert booming "bwa-ha-ha!" here). Yet there has to be a difference between not learning and not remembering.. And in my daydreams, there are so many similar themes that I will never truly learn from. I will never truly learn "love" or "loss" for example. An ever changing life prevents me from this. I may not recall much of what I daydreamed living as a young body, but I have lived and remembered many times living as a body that is in constant change.
Over time my daydream specifics change. They change with my wants and needs. I have been feeling more musical lately and if I were to slow dance with a handsome stranger in my mind at some point today, I wouldn't be surprised. I think I daydream so much, in part, because I feel a loneliness or lacking so often. I am not saying that I walk around feeling sorry for myself or that I don't feel hopeful. I have wants and desires for future goals and I love "love"- even after a truly trying past year chasing after it, I find myself slipping into song and dancing to happy songs about it. But these daydreams do give me a satisfaction that is similar to the real thing- whether I feel torn from the world or supremely tethered to it. These daydreams (or scenes) have been a part of my daily life for so long, I guess one could even call them a vice used to cope with life. Though, I think that would trivialize the positive need that they help to embrace. I don't see this as my daily "gallon of ice cream" treat, but perhaps more akin to someone who looks straight into a mirror and does a psych up speech or dance or flex. I am looking at myself. I am doing so through my (mind's ) eyes and being completely ok with myself and whatever I am going through in those moments. And that lets me experience (be it in a different way) love, fear, excitement, disappointment, whatever it may be. The point being, it lets me and that is a beautiful thing.
I play out these "daydreams" every day. The possible adventures I take are wonderful, beautiful, victorious, painful, shocking, challenging and fear embracing. I do this so often for many reasons, I suppose. I have a creative mind, a racing mind and when I engage other people I revel in the possibilities of conversation. Not speaking necessarily to a lasting friendship or romance that can accompany it, but of what meaning lies in another persons words and where we can take that conversation together. This stems from a love of being social, improv acting and other such arts for many years. (I have wit..) I feel that I have spent much of my time in the past decade in transition to my next bag o' transitions. I have sometimes looked at life like it's the wheel of fortune- sometimes being on the bottom rung and needing to drag along the gravel before I rotate up to the top. And maybe being in Michigan didn't help with the unfairness in timing. I probably kept getting stuck in a pothole every time I hit the gravel on the bottom of the wheel. The point being that transitions usually meant my life filled to the brim with to-do's or just the opposite. Either way, it's been filled with some emptiness. More than I could call "soothing alone time".
When I was a child, I had seizures. My childhood is still mostly erased from my mind. Every now and again glimpses (overwhelmed mostly by feelings) bubble up to the surface. But the main source of recalling, say, years of ballet is in photos. I have a photographic memory in the sense that I recall actual photographs taken of my life in place of memories. Much was lost to epilepsy and powerful drugs to treat the condition, but that's what I know. That's what I live, the experience of lost experiences. If I ever daydreamed about something that mapped an experience I had when I was very young (and so cute- trust me :) I wouldn't really know it. Nonetheless, it is possible. I wonder about if I may not understand or be able to relate on some "commonly known" level to kids. I also think about the idea of not learning from your past and being doomed to repeat it (insert booming "bwa-ha-ha!" here). Yet there has to be a difference between not learning and not remembering.. And in my daydreams, there are so many similar themes that I will never truly learn from. I will never truly learn "love" or "loss" for example. An ever changing life prevents me from this. I may not recall much of what I daydreamed living as a young body, but I have lived and remembered many times living as a body that is in constant change.
Over time my daydream specifics change. They change with my wants and needs. I have been feeling more musical lately and if I were to slow dance with a handsome stranger in my mind at some point today, I wouldn't be surprised. I think I daydream so much, in part, because I feel a loneliness or lacking so often. I am not saying that I walk around feeling sorry for myself or that I don't feel hopeful. I have wants and desires for future goals and I love "love"- even after a truly trying past year chasing after it, I find myself slipping into song and dancing to happy songs about it. But these daydreams do give me a satisfaction that is similar to the real thing- whether I feel torn from the world or supremely tethered to it. These daydreams (or scenes) have been a part of my daily life for so long, I guess one could even call them a vice used to cope with life. Though, I think that would trivialize the positive need that they help to embrace. I don't see this as my daily "gallon of ice cream" treat, but perhaps more akin to someone who looks straight into a mirror and does a psych up speech or dance or flex. I am looking at myself. I am doing so through my (mind's ) eyes and being completely ok with myself and whatever I am going through in those moments. And that lets me experience (be it in a different way) love, fear, excitement, disappointment, whatever it may be. The point being, it lets me and that is a beautiful thing.
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