Darkness scares us..We yearn for the comfort of light, as it allows shape and form. Allowing
us to recognize, to define what is before us. But what is it that
scares us really? Not the darkness itself, but the truth we know that
lies within.
It is our job to know ourselves, develop self awareness and strive to increase our E.Q. If we do not feel the need to look inward, we will only project out- judging ourselves at a distance and within others. There is a big difference between expressing your feelings by stating "I feel that..vs. I think that you.. " What we yearn for, what we hate, things that define our core can be lost to our awareness when we simply glance and then dismiss. It's the "mirror, mirror effect". Who is the greatest of them all, we ask and not- Who lacks conviction these days? or Who is now highly inpatient? We may walk around like geniuses, confidently boasting- "I know who I am!" (and possibly adding "and no thanks to you!") But when is the last time you actually checked in with yourself?
It's a great thing to do and it will almost always leave you feeling surprised. Make a list of your best and worst qualities and ask yourself- "Is that me now?" It can be the hardest when looking at those things that you take pride in. Sometimes we are wearing the crown or holding a trophy that's been neglected and covered in dust. I remember the first time I did this many years ago and I realized that the stunning patient award was no longer part of my reign. But that is part of everyone's life- change. What we want changes and so does our good and bad qualities.Yes, you heard me- we get new ones! This really is quite logical as we live with a body that is always changing and growing year after year. Still, it is easy to grip till our hands blister to try and keep sunken into our past. It is not productive though and limits all kinds of forward momentum. It keeps us in battle against ourselves when we keep hitting walls that "should be easy" because of our out-of-date "best quality list". And it keeps us from progressing and learning when we see ourselves constantly overcoming out-of-date worst qualities that we demolished years ago.
Most times we stride through a day wearing our known pros and cons list pinned to our growned-up selves and navigate accordingly. And what we tell ourselves one day can become a routine and become (sometimes) instructions to live our lives. In the short term this could effect the jobs we take. For example, I told myself that I loved structure and routine at a job. When actually my strong work ethic was being trumped by my o.c.d. and I really like variety and change in more recent years. I am better when I have variation in my work. I grow more and develop more of a creative and skillful mind.
Long term, pinning this list to our chests can do a lot of damage if we base our strengths and weaknesses around a time when we were hurt. "I am awesome at never doing certain things and therefore I will never get hurt!" or "I am only weak if I allow myself to do a few certain things because then I will get hurt." It is possible to live decades or even a lifetime avoiding lots of life. And we are offered countless opportunities to heal when we have been hurt, left, abused, dismissed or done one or more of those things to another. People in our lives will offer support to heal, but we know when those times are at their ripest. We feel it. Something stirs or kicks you on your ass and that is your brain and body telling you to act. To do something. Most importantly, to do something different! (As Gwen says, "what are you waiting for?") And everyone gets these feelings and chances in their lives. Even one of the more "I wanna soar high!" people I have met in my life, I've seen shut down in 2 seconds flat by simply ejecting a "I wouldn't like that" at the faint possibility of beyond what they know at that exact moment.
So, we can try to steer our course by claiming control over it all. Feeling that the waters of life only present themselves when we alone are present, but life is a tidal wave and our brain controls a bathtub worth. It may be comforting to feel in control of the path we illuminate, but it is all glued together by the edges far off in the darkness. Ones we won't control and (thankfully) don't have to. The only discovery we can truly lay claim to is oneself. We need to nourish our bodies and minds by being as present and aware of oneself as possible. Acknowledging our current good and bad qualities that reside in us today. Using them to help us grow and better ourselves and allowing us to stop hurting and fighting ourselves and others.
